to know blindness, you need only look into my eyes

Time:

8:40 pm.

i was raped by my dad in my dream last night. it was very vivid... the way things felt, looked, my reacting emotions and tactile feelings with each touch or kick or blow. most of the time it was him beating me, which my memory has nearly buried throughout the day. i remember a little: kicking and slapping, yelling and a good deal of verbal/emotional torture, which to my awareness was more his style in real life. but then it twisted, the violence became slithery and more wordy as he pulled it out and put it in me. i don't know what my dad's penis looks like. in the dream it was white and thick and slimy, with a lot of goop oozing everywhere. he kept asking me if i could "get it to close up" for him, meaning he wanted me like a virgin, and i didn't know how to comply. there was more, and i was scared and doing everything i could to cooperate and act like i wanted it so that nothing worse would happen. at some point i found myself freed from the immediate scenario, running and being chased by him. in the end i was cornered, but a lady who was suppose to be (was?) my mom gave me a small pistol, and after fumbling to get the right grasp until he was close enough to get me i managed to shoot him with it. i think i shot him around the head first, and there was this clean little hole, no mess. i also shot him in the chest a couple times to make sure he'd die, and when my 'mom' told me to shoot him in the head again i did, a couple times around his eyes. all neat little dark red holes, and the last thing i remember was him staggering back with his eyes wide, looking at me but not seeing, because of course they were starting to glaze.
for a while i was having a lot of these type of dreams where my dad was being violent or sexually abusive to me, though this was the first in which i can remember him being inside me. they started at the end of last summer, when someone i know had some crazy vision of my dad doing some fucked up thing to a toddler aged me in a bathtub, but stopped in april when he apologized to me for what happened the day he kicked me out last year. i've had little fights with him in dreams since then, but nothing related to the content or cause of the others, and the ratio of dreams to nightmares that i've had has tipped dramatically back in favor of the former. i was sure that it was over.
in any case, rachel is leaving for singapore tomorrow; i said goodbye on friday. i'm suppose to see some new lady a couple days a week, possibly after rachel comes back as well. genny's gone until wednesday and jesse went home for the weekend, so i've had the house to myself; although i would normally be overjoyed, it seems to be working more to emphasize the loneliness i'm feeling.
summer's are hard for me, especially with how dependent i've become on rachel and my doctor. not only is rachel gone for these two weeks, but he (dr) will be leaving in july for a two week span, which is longer than his usual summer trips. also, rachel's going to be gone a few other times over the summer, and my doctor is always busy nearly every weekend (some extended weekends) through the beginning of the fall.
i guess this is absurd, but i really don't know how i can make it through the next three months without the consistency of the two of them. even without regarding the enormous loneliness and boredom, i won't be able to function. i'm not capable of going out to get food or run errands unless someone is with me, there's little i can do around the house by myself, and ninety-nine percent of the time, i'm not capable of making any initiative to see anyone at all. and i need so much from people in order to be around them that i can't imagine anyone else measuring up. with racel and my dr, if i can't summon the energy to go to them, they'll come to me (which includes coming in and waking me up), and they're open and comfortable with me in ways that i can't be with anyone else i know (i'm not capable of exerting the energy needed to be on a more superficial level, as is needed for everyone else).
but things are getting fucked up, and i'm realizing that they need to start decreasing the amount of time that they spend with me for other reasons, as well. which is why i'm here, talking to myself through a machine, eating too much and drinking too much and wishing i had the will to make myself take out the trash bins so that i don't get in trouble when genny gets back.
i don't miss blades. i wish i had drugs.

Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Time:	4:43 pm.
Mood:	unhappy.

i'm on the verge of killing myself. the only thing stopping me is the fear of what may come (including nothing). i don't know if dying could be worse than this, but unfortunately, it might. still, i don't want to live. i haven't in over a month now, with small exceptions (those may end up weighing in as deciding factors when it all comes down, unfortunately).
i think death is my so-called "easy way out" of dealing with the future. when i look at myself now, i know that it'll take years and a lot of outside assistance to ever be able to hold a job or go to school, and much, much longer before i can ever maintain decent friendships or any other kind of meaningful relationship. i hate hearing that the changes have to come from me, because they can't. i know this, and i have a fucking genius to back me up with his knowledgeable facts. but try as he may to save me-- and he's done a damn good job so far-- he's running out of time and patience, being only human himself. i don't know how long i can go on ruining someone else's life in an effort to save my own. i don't even know if he can save me. i don't know if the efforts we make will end up unworth the results, though i do know that they've proven mighty painful so far.
if i weren't scared, i'd do it. i'm sure i'm not alone there, though. it's not to be taken seriously, i suppose; i know that people say such a thing about themselves that i feel sorry for them, but don't fear anything happening. it's a very deeply rooted, basic power that keeps the majority of us from allowing ourselves death. we sure could use some mind-numbing drugs though, couldn't we?

Comments: Read 10 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	is there already no distinguishment?
Time:	3:34 pm.
Mood:	depressed.

death has been on my mind constantly since my mushroom trip. i don't want to die. i don't want anyone i even remotely care about to die. it felt good while i was there, though even at the time i knew that as soon as i came back i would hate it, deny any goodness in it, simpleminded as my living perspectives may be. i don't want to give up my self.

is it unreasonable to be irrepairably lonely and depressed over not being able to sleep with a (no longer) stuffed bear? i slept with him virtually every night for the last eighteen years, and now it all just feels empty. his absence makes it hard to sleep or be comfoted by lying in bed (where i spend the greatest portion of my life), though is it him or is it that i'm simply use to having something to hold against me while i'm sleeping? when i got charlie i told myself that the likelihood of ted being killed was something i was going to have to accept as being more present, since i didn't want to stash him away somewhere for "safekeeping." i decided to accept that one day his time would come, that i would accept it and wish him well until we meet again in some afterlife. but now that it's happened i can't do that. i know that i can make him better, bring him back, and i will. but will he be the same? how long will he last until next time? am i ever going to be able to accept that he probably won't live as long as i do? i don't want him to go to the state that i experienced as death. even if what's left of us was to touch in that place, it would just be to flow into and out of each others' life forces without so much as the slightest recognition. in time i think we would simply blend in with the rest of the pulsing, breathing godforce that is made up of discarded life-spirits, as we would no longer have any way of holding our individual "selves" together.

this is its harvesting ground. we are not ripe until we are dead.

i am a bitter, spiteful person who depends too much on hope and random luck to pull me out of whatever situations in which i find myself. it's worked satisfyingly thus far, but it is also why i spend most of my time alone and unhappy. i ought to do things to better my situation; i can come up with a number of things that would work, but i am too afraid or lazy or unmotivated to follow through with any of them.

in my latest attempt at developing an eating disorder, i have purchased and am taking appetite suppressants, which work fairly well, considering that i don't consistently take them as directed. i managed three days on a couple handfuls of almonds, but it made my doctor angry so he has locked me in a situation now in which i must eat or suffer the wrath of a great sense of guilt. i don't know if i've lost any fat.

such is life, i suppose.

a passage from steinback's Travels with Charley, my current mind-occupation as i await death or something interesting:
As the evening deepened, I walked with Charley among his mountains of delight to the brow of the hill and looked down on the little valley below. It was a disturbing sight. I thought too much driving had distorted my vision or addled my judgement, for the dark earth below seemed to move and pusle and breathe. It was not water but it rippled like a black liquid. I walked quickly down the hill to iron out the distortion. The valley floor was carpeted with turkeys, it seemed like millions of them, so densely packed that they covered the earth. It was a great relief. Of course, this was a reservoir for Thanksgiving.
To mill so close together is in the nature of turkeys in the evening. I remembered how on the ranch in my youth the turkeys gathered and roosted in clots in the cypress trees, our of reach of wildcats and coyotes, the only indication I know of that turkeys have any intelligence at all. To know them is not to admire them, for they are vain and hysterical. They gather in vulnerable groups and then panic at rumors. They are subject to all the sicknesses of other fowl, together with some they have invented. Turkeys seem to be manic-depressive types, gobbling with blushing wattles, spread tails, and scraping wings in amorous bravado at one moment and huddled in craven cowardice the next. It is hard to see how they can be related to their wild, clever, suspicious cousins. But here in their thousands they carpeted the earth waiting to lie on their backs on the platters of America.

it's all the same. i feel so depressed.

Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	the melancholy death of brain cells
Time:	1:22 am.
Mood:	frustrated.

these are the things that have happened recently, in short:
.charlie bit me while i was attempting to break up a particularly viscious fight between him and sampson. it's been a week and there's still a large bruise, but the puncture marks were small and have all but completely healed.
.i got in a bad fight with my doctor the next day, over something i can't remember, and bit him really badly again (though not as badly as the first time)
.sampson crashed into me when i was sitting on the porch on friday night, and left me with a black eye. i saw stars and my eyes wouldn't stop watering, so i just cried a lot. i thought my skull had been crushed in. i love him anyway though
.matt and i ate shrooms on saturday, which was rather enlightening in a manner that totally depresses me now, and i think i know what will happen when i die. by about the end of the fifth hour it started being hell, though. i don't think i want to do that again.
.on monday i beat up my doctor really badly, and we didn't make up for it until today, though i felt really badly for all the things i did, and for yelling so loudly and being mean
.this morning (pretending it's still tuesday) that little shit of a toy dog that lives with us killed ted. i've been in denial all day. maybe he can still be fixed, though. it's way too lonely to not have him in bed (ripple is with him too, in a protected hiding spot, so i'm alone in bed when charlie's not there), which is why i'm back at my parents' house on the computer.
.of all the times when i've driven too fast, drunk, high, chased by clowns (saturday), or under the influence of my own crazy mind, the one time a cop "stops" me was two minutes after i'd been driving twenty miles over the speed limit, but was currently stopped in a left-turn-only lane at a red light. he came over to tell me to be sure to turn left (i guess cuz there was an accident he thought i'd go the wrong way...?)
.i've been dissecting cigarettes and filling them with weed, as i'm too lazy to roll my own joints, and this way they get filters!

all for now

Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	my puppy scared the shit out of me
Time:	2:27 am.
Mood:	discontent.

i'm at my parents' house still, even though i'm suppose to be sleeping now since i have to be awake by 10.30 this morning. oh well, i'll regret it later. not yet.
earlier i was outside with my younger sisters watching charlie and sampson wrestling. i was taking pictures of spike when i heard charlie start making this yapping noise over and over nonstop. i looked over and i think my heart stopped or something, cuz i thought one of his back legs had been chopped off to the knee. i completely froze, inside and out. it turns out that i guess he stepped on something or pulled a muscle and it was just bent so that i could see the lower part of it. it was dark out. he's fine now. nonetheless, i'm still pretty traumatized by it. i couldn't stop shaking for like an hour. totally embarassing thing to have happen in front of my family.
i sat around in the living room forever watching the tour de france with my mom and tori. boring. but i guess it was okay anyway. i cleaned cds with my new cd repair kit while we were doing that.
god, i miss having fast internet. it's going to be hard prying myself off of this computer tonight.

Comments: Read 13 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	if i had better reasons, would i be able to cry?
Time:	5:05 am.
Mood:	sad.

tonight i am depressed. this morning, i should say. i ought to be sleeping, but it seems i no longer can without my night pills. it's a little suprising that i haven't built up any immunity to them yet. i guess because i haven't been taking them consistently since...forever. i wish i would sleep so that i could be awake to see my doctor, but it seems these days that i only find myself at this site when i've been awake for too many hours and have run out of ways to do nothing. it's bad and it's good.
the best thing about living in this hell hole is that it's so close to my doctor's office. 6.2 miles, exactly. yesterday one of his patients cancelled in the morning, so he came over and was talking to me through my bedroom window, but i was too tired to get up to see him. i regretted it once i did wake up, but he came over again after work and we took charlie for a walk around the neighborhood and sat for awhile in the park on the other side of the back fence. sometimes i like this area, and this weather. not too much, though. i still want to move downtown.
i wish i lived alone. or had lots of good friends. i wish that there were *females* out there who wanted to be friends with me. or anybody i guess; i'm really not in a place where i can be picky. i wish i had the interests it takes to be interesting enough for the human mind to process my existence. i wish i were healthier in my body. and maybe in my head.
today i am depressed. i wonder why i don't come on here as often as i use to when i felt like complaining about all the nothingness.
there is a little magnetic corona bottle-shaped bottle opener stuck to the side of my computer, but it says "borona" on in instead of "corona" or "coronita." i don't know why. there are also two little turtles sitting on the chair on which my moniter rests. i love them. they are going to bring me long life.

stolded:

You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof).

Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe.

agnosticism

92%

Satanism

67%

Paganism

58%

Islam

54%

Buddhism

54%

Judaism

42%

Hinduism

42%

atheism

29%

Christianity

17%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	love of my life, and the self-proclaimed christ
Time:	9:52 pm.
Mood:	dazed.
Music:	youngbloods - let's get together.

i have suffered the consequences of my reckless behaviour, and came out not only alive, but almost face-up.
it's the best feeling, having someone who will stay with you no matter how close to death it brings them. it is wrong of me, but i love that he would suffer just as badly by leaving as me. it's the only way for it to really work out. too bad such a creature of this species is one in a million, but that i possess one of my very own makes me just as lucky as he is unique. it's sad that it has to come about through the most painful experiences.
the deal with christ was this: his real name is christopher, but he calls himself christ, or "The Christ." i think i talked to him online twice before agreeing to meet him, just because i was so bored and lonely, and pissed at my doctor for not being around. so i went over to his house, and one of the first things he said to me was that "it's hard being a 6000 year old daemon, cuz if you take life from someone who isn't already going to die, you become as evil as the great balthazar (??) himself, and then everyone's out to get you." psycho. at one point we were going to leave the house, and he turned off the lights and locked the door (it was night and i couldn't see a thing), and said to me "you're never getting out." at another point while we were in the kitchen he handed me a large knife, and upon my inquiry as to what i should do with it, he said "go cut up your arm or something." but i was high as a kite and had nothing else to do with myself, so i stayed. i sat in a daze half the time that i was there, as he stroked my arms and told me how awesome my scars were. he kept requesting to see the rest of them, but i wasn't THAT high, thank god.
luckily, i had told my therapy coach rachel about what i was doing before i went over there, and she was freaked out by it, and called to check in with me a few hours into it. i told her i wanted to go home, so she told me to tell him that she was having a breakdown and needed me to go see her. at first he wouldn't let me go, saying that i should have her come over to his place or i should take him with me or just blow her off altogether, but she'd agreed to call me back, and when she did i told him that it was much too serious to get him involved, and i left.
so that was the latest of my experiences with meeting people online. shitty. think i'll be staying home for a while.

Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	i'm still alive, still planning to return....
Time:	11:37 pm.
Mood:	content.

so i finally have a piece of shit computer, but hopefully it'll be connected to the internet by the end of the month, so i won't have to keep coming to my parents' house to use theirs. yipee! thank you all for not deleting me. i really hope that you're all doing well and still updating your journals, so that i'll have much to read when i finally return.
mm...can't talk long, but here's a little update as of late:
~matt and i are still fighting, but not broken up yet. i want to though, i really, really do. i'm just scared of having no one to spend time with when i'm not scheduled for therapy. it's hell, this place where i have no non-professional relationships. i want fucking friends.
~however, i do have one new friend, my best friend charlie. he lives with me now; we share my bedroom. he was really sick when i first met him and wouldn't eat, so he's pretty thin, but he's getting better and filling out. he's blond with natural black streaks, and brown eyes. i think he's beautiful. also, he's extremely affectionate, unless my roommate genny's toy aussie shepherd is around or we're at my parents' house with sam, cuz he gets distracted by dogs, and likes to play with them. for the most part, however, he loves me and my roommates and my family and my doctor and my coaches, and pretty much everyone loves him. but the catch is that he has to be kept away from livestock, cuz the guy at the pound said that he found him in a field killing chickens :\
~i love my little char pie :)

anyway, nothing new otherwise. i live for my time with rachel and my doctor. char keeps me company, though i'm often lonely just the same. i need to break up with matt. i love all of you; i hope you haven't disappeared. if anyone wants to snail mail or text message let me know, cuz i'm aching for human companionship.

Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	new home, still no comp--snail mail, anyone?
Time:	4:44 pm.
Mood:	hot.

omg, i actually have a chance to use the computer long enough to update!!! this is such a rare occurence (sp?) for me these days. once i actually get my own computer, it's going to take me a million years to go through each and every journal of anyone who's kept me as a friend, and read every single entry that i've missed. but just you guys wait and see! i'm gonna do it, and you'll all be amazed and so very happy that you kept poor, computerless tess as a friend on your deadjournal. in the meantime, i'm still really sorry that i never get to respond to any of you. i've moved from my home in davis (note to self: 30 years is too much of an age difference between two people living in the same house, no matter how much you have in common), and live in the rosemont/sacramento area, which is all industrial buildings and people who scowl and snap at you to the point where you go home and cry and refuse to ever leave your home again (until the next time you go out, at which time it happens again), and absolutely no trees. but the lady who owns the house, genny, is an incredible and awesome person, and her boyfriend ishmael and the guy jesse who lives part time in the other room and shares my bathroom are both awesome, and everything is laid back and pleasant, and the house is very lovely. hopefully i'll be able to stay here a while.
ooh, and best of all, genny says i can get a puppy! i'm so excited, though it will be a long while before i can afford one. in the meantime i have to find a computer that i can afford. i've been looking dilligently whenever i get a chance to go to the library to use the internet, though to be truthful, i have no clue as to what i'm looking for. i know that i don't want a mac, i know that i would like a CD burner and that the more USB ports the better, but aside from that, what the hell do i look for? i don't know how much memory is a good amount. i haven't a clue as to what "processors" are, nor the amount of hard drive space that is considered good. it's all so far beyond me. i ought to get a book to read about all this stuff. i just wish i had one (a comp) already. it's driving me mad.
hmm. if anyone is interested in staying in touch via snail mail let me know and we can exchange contact info. i'm pretty lonely most of the time. matt's practically out of the picture, as i found out that he's been looking through dating sites for other girls to be "friends" with for months now, and just happened to forget to mention to any of them that he had a girlfriend (note the "had," cuz it sure as hell isn't anymore). i found this out through an email that he accidentally sent to me containing some correspondence with one of the people he swears he was only pursuing as friends. some girl subscribed to a singles site, though she already has a boyfriend. ugh. i should have known not to trust a male. but he cried and begged and pleaded, so i agreed that we could still hang out as friends until he joins the navy, at which point i was going to break up with him anyway. but we're only friends, and if he pulls any more bullshit on me it's all over. frankly, i'm just sick of all of the emotional strain, and i think i was ready for this, despite how pissed off i feel about it.
anyway, enough for now i suppose. i can't wait until the first, cuz i'm broke as fuck. after rent i'll have $200 left in the bank. fucking grand.
life's great, isn't it?
love you all~~~

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	thankfulness and pointlessness
Time:	7:35 pm.
Mood:	anxious.
Music:	stupid stubby meowing nonstop.

dear fellow deadjournalians,
thank you all so ultimately much for not having deleted me from your friends' lists so far. i love you all, and i promise that once i have my own computer-- which will NOT be dial-up, nor a mac (sorry jurie:P)-- i will be able to catch up with everyone and get back to commenting and updating and reading on a regular basis. it's driving me crazy knowing that i'll have about ten million unread entries altogether by the time that i finally do update, but the time *will* come, and it will be worth it, because i love you all so very much.
in the meantime, i've been looking for some place to move into in midtown sacramento, although i have some slightly mixed feelings about leaving davis. i'm torn for the following reasons:
sacramento: has more trees, prettier houses, and more parks; is closer to my rolfing, doctor's office, and slightly closer to sampson and my art therapist's office; i know more people in sac; it's not a college town; i'm much more familiar with it, having spent so much of the more meaningful years of my life there; downtown sac; there can't possibly be as many moths in all of sacramento as there are in just my closet here in davis
davis: is small enough that i could ride my bike everywhere and therefore get back in shape someday (although i haven't done much riding so far); is surrounded by field areas which are good for taking walks; parking is easier; suki (the puppy next door whom i take for walks is here); there are some cool stores here, though maybe not as many as in sac; it's supposedly a safer environment for starting out slowly with the whole independence thing

that's all i can think of for now. i also need to figure out whether i'll be able to stand living with someone else, or if i should try to afford someplace on my own. thank god for low income housing, though i want a place where i can have a dog! i don't know what to do. life's hell right now.
guess that's all for now. this entry was mostly thinking out loud, so i apologize to anyone who read beyond the first paragraph.
i'm getting kicked off now, so it's back to my fuzzy poster coloring i go....
love you all (*h*)

Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	miserable and unupdated
Time:	1:47 pm.
Mood:	depressed.

comment i left in

piratesragrlsbf's journal (this really applies to all of you):
i'm sorry i haven't commented in three forevers. i'm so far behind. it's ultimately depressing and i feel really badly about that. i want so much to be a good friend on DJ, because i really can't in real life and i *do* have potential on here, but now i never have any time on the fucking computer.
i'm really sorry. i'm hoping to buy a comp soon. then i'll be able to communicate more.
/comment
so does anyone want to come rent a quadplex with me in midtown sacramento? i like davis, but i want my own place. i don't feel very at home in another person's house, especially when i can't be up all night, can damn near never use the fucking computer, and don't have my puppy. i want to leave so badly, but i don't have a very high income, so my options are extremely limited.
i'm at my parents' house right now, as pretty much everyone is gone. so i've been able to read through a fair amount of my friends page entries, but i'm over 120 entries behind, so i'm not gonna be able to comment. there's no way i can catch up on all of that. i'm so sorry :(
if anyone could send me a brief (or not so brief) update of how life has been treating them lately, it'd make me happy. pretty please? i wasn't able to read all of the posts, and i feel really behind in everything. i'm so ultimately sorry to all of you. i feel terrible. i really, truly do.
and now i have to go. unbelievable.
(*(*(*hugs*)*)*) and love to all of you, and happy belated birthday, kelly. everyone wish

kelnumber40 a happy birthday :):):)

Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	first day of rain as a homeless person
Time:	7:12 pm.
Mood:	accomplished.
Music:	second coming, self titled album.

my god, you guys, i'm having such a hard time keeping up with commenting and updating. i can't wait until we get DSL hookup, but even then i have to find someone who'll sell a computer to me at a decent price before i can really spend time on the web. but i have a teeny bit of time now, so here's a brief update...
it's not as bad here in davis as i thought it would be, though i'm kind of scared cuz i have yet to get my roommate to sit down and seriously talk to me about how much i'm going to be paying her, and i haven't started buying my own food or gas (my family is actually letting me use the honda). i mostly just live off of other people's generosity, as i've done my whole life :P
i've met a few neighbors, and people around here seem pretty nice, despite the fact that it's a college town. i've been seeing a lot of my yoga instructor (i guess we're friends now, making her the first female my age to be friends with me in years. we spent all of last sunday together, as she wanted to check out a yoga retreat, and afterwards go to the beach, which is much closer from here than from home. so that was fun, and we've walked her dog in the fields outside of town, and had lunch together a number of times.
i was aquainted through the fence the other night to a perfect couple who live next door, and their boxer, suki. i left a note on their door yesterday saying that i enjoyed meeting them, etc, and today one of the ladies invited me over, and we took suki for a walk and got to know each other better. that made me happy.
hmm...another lady payed me $20 an hour to sit in her house across the street and wait for some people to drop off some furniture, but they never came. but i'm fifty bucks richer now, and she likes me, so that's cool.
well, i have to go. i hope everyone is well, and i swear i'll catch up on reading/commenting as soon as i have the time and energy. love you all

Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	i hate apple computers
Time:	8:36 pm.
Mood:	okay.

well, i don't have much time, so i can't check up on you guys' journals just yet. once i get a chance, however, i will read every entry that i missed (i always do :P). but for tonight, i'm in my roommate's bedroom, and on a dial-up mac (ultimate hell), so i don't have enough time to do much more than a quick update.
um, let's see...the last time i updated, i was spending the day in my doctor's office, and was planning on sleeping there. unfortunately, his wife hates me (which reminds me, i have yet to actually post about my relationship with him, despite spending forever typing out the background to that), so she didn't want me staying there alone, she sure as hell wasn't going to let her husband stay with me, and i wasn't going to "her" house (as she referred to it when talking to my doctor). so i wasn't allowed to do that. so we left his office at nine, picked up some take-out thai food, and took it to a hotel room :D but he couldn't stay the night, so after eleven-thirty i was alone. but i just played around with my camera, took a shower, and went to bed. so that's my first night of being homeless, and of staying in a motel alone (third total, and i haven't been since i was like nine).
in the morning he came and woke me up. i stayed in his sac office and slept on his couch all day, as he was in davis and therefore not using his office. an assistant checked in on me every so often, and at seven i went to davis and met my roommate.
her name is jean, she just turned fifty, lives alone in an old teeny house in mid davis. it's tiny, but it has a basement, so it's cool. the place is like 70 years old. she's a teacher, and talks a fair amount, which requires a lot of energy, but i have time alone during the day while she's at school, and she's sensitive enough to me. very sweet. very much an elementary school teacher.
my yoga instructor lives here (use to live just up the street, but now is further), and we're going to be spending a lot of time together. she's really excited that i'm here, as we can do yoga in her actual building, and can spend however much time we want just hanging out or exploring the area. it makes me happy that she's so happy.
although there's no desire in me to go home, i feel a lot like i'm trapped in this town with few trees, and can get around well enough here, but it's like there's a wall all around, and i'm trapped inside. i can't go anywhere further than a bike riding distance, and most terribly, i can't get to sac to see my doctor in his real office (i despise the one here).
no, i take that back. the *most* terrible thing about this situation is how ultimately, tremendously i miss my puppy.
goodnight, and thank you all so much for your comments/support/love. i'm in love with all of you.
(*(*hugs*)*)

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Time:	7:17 pm.
Mood:	worried.

excerpt from a letter i sent to my sister earlier today (i don't think i spelled the name of the instrument correctly):

dear maddy,
as you may or may not know, dad kicked me out this morning. to summarize what happened (in case he decides to go around telling everyone that he made me leave because i threatened to attack him with a cymbol), this is it:
tori has been really stressed about going to school. she was up all last night in mom's room crying, but as usual mom did little to nothing to help her with that. this morning she was crying and upset, and while i was lying in bed i heard dad go downstairs and start yelling and being really nasty toward her. i went out and said that i would take her to school, and stood there for a few minutes to stop him if he started going at her again. instead, he pretended that he'd been in the middle of comforting her, talking to her in that overly sweet voice and hugging her, so i went back to my room to get dressed. he started swearing and yelling at her again once i was gone, and i heard him push her and her yelling at him to stop and him continuing to go off on her, so i went out to the top of the stairs and yelled at him to leave her the hell alone, that i would take her and that he was just making things worse, or something like that. so he came storming up to me yelling about how sick he was of me and so on, threw me down the stairs and yelled at me to go outside. he was in his typical rage, so i thought he was sending me out there so he could hit me or get in some kind of fight, so naturally i felt threatened, and when he shoved me down into the music room i picked up the cymbol and threatened to hit him with it if he did anything. like he cared. he got it away from me and threw me on the ground, then grabbed me by the neck and started choking me and yelling in my face. when he let me up he yelled at me to leave, and he went off about how sick he is of living with tori and me and how everyone in this house is fucked up (except for him) and that he doesn't see why tori has any kind of emotional problems, and yelling at me when i answered questions for her, because she was too upset to answer them when he yelled them at her. he told me to leave again, and i ended up packing up as much stuff as i could, and now i'm at my doctor's office.

the rest was a request to keep an eye out for tori and help comfort her and protect her from my dad's rage, as she ends up playing the scapegoat for everyone's problems when i'm not there. also to comfort sampson, because he was really scared this morning. he kept following me around and whenever i'd hold still for just a moment, he'd huddle up against me and shiver and lick me nervously the way he does when he senses that something scary is happening.

i'm so fucking pissed. i've been here at my doctor's office all day, and will be sleeping here tonight. it's not bad, cuz there's a shower, kitchen, and comfortable sleeping places, and he took me down to the river to have lunch, and is helping me to calm down and eat and take my meds and everything. but he could get in trouble if someone finds out that he's letting me sleep here tonight or that he's giving me a key, so it's a very temporary setting.
i guess for now i'll be staying with a school teacher in davis, paying more rent than i can afford and helping her grade papers/do chores/etc to make up for the rest until i can find someone else with whom to live. i can't really afford to pay more than $200 a month until i apply for more from SSDI (she's asking for twice that in addition to the work, though i don't mind the latter), and i hate davis ultimately. there are no trees and everything there is ugly. but no one else will take me, and i have to stay somewhere close to one of my doctor's offices (either davis or here in sac city), since i don't have any means of transporting myself very far. at this point the only other alternative is transitional housing, but if i end up in something like that i think i'll be considering suicide more than anything else.
ugh. i'm probably not going to be on enough to read and comment much, since i'll only have access to the internet when i'm at one of my doctor's offices, unless maybe i find a library. this sucks ultimately.
my dad is telling everyone that what happened this morning was that i got into an argument with him about whether or not tori should have to go to school, and then i swung the instrument at him, and that's why he kicked me out. neither of those two things occurred, and there was no mention of hurting either tori or me (i have bruises, but i can't prove that he caused them, and although my neck still hurts a little, there are no visible signs that he was choking me). fucker.
so that's my happy life for now. i'm homeless :\
love you all; hope you don't cut me if i don't get on much for a while (i promise i'll try!), though i'll understand if you do (*h*)

Comments: Read 31 or Add Your Own.

to know blindness, you need only look into my eyes

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